In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
