I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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