I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
