Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
