my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Randomize
