Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
