I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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