Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I need to stop coming to work sober
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
