So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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