Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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