Dude my mom stole all your condoms
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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