dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
