The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
