is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
