so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
At least life still wants to fuck me.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
