i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
