I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
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There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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