There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
