I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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