You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
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PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
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I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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