I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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