he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
