My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Randomize
