Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Sorry about my life...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
