The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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