I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
