She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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