i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Dick very happy bro
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
