So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
