guys are only as good as the porn they watch
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
