my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
