Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
