we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
