Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Randomize
