I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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