Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
