i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
