On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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