What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
