omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
