I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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