I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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