He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
