Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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