I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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