dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
