worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
