Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
