Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
