My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
