i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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