The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
