so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Naked Twister starts at high noon
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
