I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
