I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
