Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
