i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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