When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
